Conflicting Self

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I am always trying to open up myself for new experiences, have an open mind and be what I always wanted to be. An independent, happy go lucky, romantic, brave, fun and kind girl who lives in her world. But of course, these are all storybook attributes, and in real life you can’t be all. What is a girl to do?

I mean, I love music, and I love listening to different kinds of music, discovering new bands, new artists, etc. but then the people around me, they are more into a certain artist and somehow I get sucked up in peer pressure and stop being me. I do that a lot. I tell people to be themselves, and yet when I am with people, sometimes I act and play dumb to fit in. I guess that there’s a part of me that doesn’t want to be a social outcast or to be left alone.

Then there’s the whole conflict issue. I mean, the things I believe are complete opposites. Mostly. I love fashion, style and dressing up. The whole designing something, looking good, having many shoes and loving the material goodness of clothes and bags. But I also am a Muslim and I love my religion. So, When being fashionable, I have to choose a balance so that I don’t go over my limit. I am an environmental  friendly person. I want to help. I do. Whenever I get a chance, I do volunteer work, and I always put rubbish in the bin and keep places clean. But I also love coffee and jugo, and usually carry around coffee cups with me. Whenever I throw the used cups, I feel guilty for wasting paper, so I usually only take coffee to college only once or twice a week.

I know, the whole point is to have a balance. That’s what we are all striving for. I wish I could say I have just this one passion, but I don’t. And yes, I do have contrasting passions, but that doesn’t make me a hypocrite, does it? Even if it does, I don’t really care. Because I just don’t want to change myself for the society to accept me.

On an unrelated note, I am turning 19 next month. I feel pretty sad about growing up. I mean, I don’t have a wish to be older soon, I never had. I’m one of those people who enjoyed their childhood. Maybe a little too much. But I am ready. Ready for the big scary world. Ready to experience new things. Ready for love, and it’s side effects. Ready for my future. Maybe, a little too ready.